Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
