he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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