Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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