Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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