Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you had me at cake vodka
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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