i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
