Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
