Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
