very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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