i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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