yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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