He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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