i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
