dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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