I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
