my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
