oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
