Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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