Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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