Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
