Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
