And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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