The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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