I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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