Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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