come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
