Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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