oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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