i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
