it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
