He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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