well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
