the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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