Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
