So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
