I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
