My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Four minutes until I can fart!
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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