you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
