A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
