nut hugger
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
