I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
