Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
