Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
