It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
