Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
