Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
