I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
