last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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