My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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