Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
